Last night, I had the strangest dream. I got a call to sell a house for these guys. So I go to the house, and in the dream the house looks like it is in a Washington, DC neighborhood. And it’s perched on this hill, and it’s just a ramshackle but big piece of shit. And I stick my head in through the door, and it’s like I’m between two floors and the ceiling is really low and old, exposed wood with that musty, dank smell.
So, I go up these rickety stairs, and I start talking to these three guys who seem like redneck assholes, but not so much redneck as just common criminal element. And this one guy starts giving me shit about how I can’t sell the house, because it can’t be sold. And how stupid I am because I don’t know why it can’t be sold, and on and on and on.
So I leave the house feeling really down. And I wander back to my car, which in my dream was the yellow chevy cavalier 2 door that I inherited from my brother in high school. And I can’t find it. I walk up and down, I climb hills, and it’s just gone. And then I see Spot, who I had left in the car with Fred, walking around. So I get Spot, and then I manage to find Fred about a block away.
And I’m having this totally freaky feeling, that my car has been stolen. And I’m stranded with two dogs, away from home. And I don’t have a cell phone, and I don’t have any change in my pockets to call anyone. And then it dawns on me, the assholes in the house were never going to sell the house. The reason I couldn’t sell it was because it was never for sale. I’m convinced they invited me over to steal my car.
So we walk to a safeway, and call the cops. And go through this whole big story, and they give us a ride home (the dogs and I).
Next scene: I decide, with the help of Brian and our Upstairs Neighbor (UN), to catch them at their game. So we schedule another meeting, or something, it’s a little fuzzy. But anyway, we end up on scaffolding across from their house, and UN plays this little old lady who wants to buy their house, and writes them this big check.
And they run away with the money and she doesn’t get the house. But we have witnesses and everything so we go back and confront them with the police (or something, again a little fuzzy). But it turns out they get super crazy mad and start chasing us across town trying to kill us. And they have all these little cretins on mopeds that are also trying to chase us down and get us. And we end up running and running and we end up running through a mall. And it hits me, we have to come up with totally new costumes to trick them.
So we run into Bannana Republic, and back into the store rooms, and tell the clerk lady that UN needs to look like someone totally different. And a few minutes later she comes out looking like a russian woman in black fur, with a beautiful black horse, a big furry hat, the whole freaking nine yards. So UN escapes from the back while Brian and I go back onto the retail floor to distract the creeps and the people on mopeds.
And it works, because UN gets a head start, and by the time they realize she is off on her horse, she has too big a head start for them to catch up.
And then it seems like Brian and I played these strange decorating games to try and make ourselves unrecognizable and get out of the mall. I remember being in a Christmas store, and some other places, but it’s all kind of fuzzy. And then I wake up.
Like I said, what a strange dream!